Category Archives: Just words

Consistency

For someone who is constantly craving consistency, I’m not a very consistent person. I suppose that makes me a hypocrite. And for that, I’m sorry. I can’t stand hypocrisy!

Let’s start with childhood. Constantly surrounded by something, everything, complete and beautiful chaos. Whether it be a siblings constant ranting about his soccer games. Or my mothers constant rants about said soccer games. And the feelings I had about these particular activities. Mostly said feelings were of, well, let’s just say, “I don’t care but love going to the games but I just don’t want to hear about it, but the games are so fun, but will you stop talking about those darn games? But mom, can I go to the next one because I like the concession stand guy, he’s cute.”

See, I was all over the place, even then.

And let’s not forget abot the countless times I attempted to learn an instrunment. I believe I went through 2 piano teachers and probably 3 guiatar teachers before I was even out of high school. I never practiced but when it came down to my lessons, I expected to know the entire power chords to Smells Like Teen Spirit. My instructor wiould glare at me and say, “Julie, you will never learn if you don’t practice and keep playing.” I would nod my head and agree. I’d get home from each practice and play for a few minutes then stare a my spin magazine and go into la la land about eventually ending up on the cover. But not doing a darn thing to get there.

Flash forward to now (with many inconsistencies in between) and I’m here with a blog that I adore and a brain that just won’t produce what I want it to portray. I get my wheels turning and I’ll go on a blogging tangent and just blog like mad.  Then- BAM- I lose focus, I lose my spark. I tried having weekly features. That didn’t work. I started a blogging journal. That didn’t work.

I know that if there’s things in our lives that we don’t like the only thing to do is change them. But what do we do if one of those things is something that has been a part of us for our entire lives? What if one of those things is basically giving up, quitting and the only thing I know is that? So, it just makes sense to quit trying to quit. To keep up with my inconsistencies. But if it’s that simple, why am I not content with it? Why do I constantly dwell on it?

Do I just suck it up and deal with the fact that I’m flieghty? That some things in my life will float in and out? That I suppose my inconsistencies are what makes me who I am? That despite the fact that it drives me mad how I stock up on apples in hopes of making that killer apple pie recipe only to end up with 10 rotten apples in my fridge? Do I be hard on myself and call myself “lazy” instead of glamorizing it and calling it “randomly awesome?”

I’ll stick to being randomly inconsistent with a spark of awesome.

Cue in (hopefully) many blog posts….

A bit distracted

Things have been crazy. Not necessarily busy-crazy. But just crazy. I feel as if I go go go. And My body decided to lash out on me. My sciatica got so bad that for two days in a row I was hunched over, walking as if I was crippled, and even feeling like I was crippled. I’ve been struggling with sciatica since high school. The only time that it didn’t give me a hard time was surprisingly, when I was pregnant! I know, strange.

So, an emergency appointment with the chiropractor and I was on my way to recovery. I’ve been twice since last week. It’s helped out a lot. I think I just need to learn to take it easy from time to time. Even when there’s a pile of dishes in the sink. Even when I’m anxious to get a sewing project done.

So, as I sit here at my computer while little one naps, I take a look around at all the things I “should” be doing or “need” to be doing and I obsess over it. So, I will wrap this up. Just an update as to why I’ve been MIA and why there hasn’t been any Tuesday Tunes. On that note, I’m just going to say that Fiona Apple will be coming to STL in July. I’m a happy little camper!

I have a list extremely long of blog posts I’d like to get to so don’t be surprised if I do decide to leave the laundry in the dryer and go on a blogging spree. Some new posts may or may not pop up throughout the next couple of days, at least I hope so… We’ll see.

Bye for now!

Balance

I had a lovely girl chat with my sister-in-law a few days ago. Shooting the breeze, gossiping, being sisters. We got to talking about how sometimes being a wife is tougher than being a mom. In fact, this topic comes up with us a lot. And not just with her but with my other sisters.

So, where do we find the balance between the roles of mother and wife? Oh and let’s throw in there daughter in law, employee, daughter, sister, friend. How do we please everyone?

And the answer is simple, I suppose. We can’t please everyone.

But how do you tell that to someone who is obsessed with making everyone happy?

I want my daughter to grow up surrounded by strength and dignity and positivity. I want her to know that no matter what, anything is possible and nothing is as bad as it seems. I want her to know that her mommy does and will continue to do what is best for her, always, forever. And all the while, the people surrounding her were dealt the same card. It’s only fair.

So I don’t exactly have a solution. I only know that it’s something I am going to whole-heartedly work on. But I believe the key to all of this is to remind myself not to stress about it. Not to get caught up in the emotions of others. To know that every day, every moment, I am doing my best. And the most important thing is that we are all cared for, healthy and happy.

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Words

I used to journal. I used to journal A LOT. I have so many notebooks, diaries, what have you, that they fill up an entire suitcase. I have some of them here at my home and some in the basement of my parents house. Yes, I have so many that I have to split them up for they don’t all fit in my tiny little home. Why is this relevant? Well, it’s crucial because I can count on ONE hand how many notebooks I have from the past let’s say, 6 years.

This makes me sad. Very sad.

Now, I might add that when I bought my first very own computer back in 2002, I started journaling on the Text Edit of that lovely little Powerbook G4. I have since printed out all those pages. They’re in the suitcase at my parents house. But in the mist of typing on those little white keys, I also wrote out on pages while I was away from my computer. Which was often because in those years, I was very busy. Spent quite a lot of time on subways and buses.

Ok, back to my point.

I feel in the years that I have slacked off in my writing, I’ve lost a little bit of myself. I’ve lost my creative spark. I feel as if my brain is on lockdown. Sometimes when telling a story or explaining something, I struggle to find the right words. Is it left over pregnancy brain? Or is my brain responding to the fact that I don’t “use” it nearly as much as I once did?

Let me add another point, in all of my years being a “journaler” I never once published any of it. I never had a Live Journal or a blog. In fact, my first blog wasn’t until 2 years ago when my sister in law inspired me to do one. But I promised myself I would never use my blog like I used my notebooks. My blog would just be an online “database” of pictures and my daily musings. Nothing personal. Which, I would somewhat like it to remain that way.

Ok, back to my point, again. If you only saw any of these said notebooks, “this” happened a lot. I strayed from the topic. A lot. So much that sometimes certain topics weren’t revisited for at least a few days.

So, in an effort to “start over”, to “get back into the swing of things,” “get my brain working again,” I am going to go to the bookstore and buy a brand new notebook. Yes, I have roughly 10 notebooks lying around the house. One has this, one has that in it, what have you. But this new notebook will be the new beginning. It will be me getting my groove back. It will be me writing just for the sake of writing. It will be my “Morning Pages.”

Wish me luck.

What about you? How do you stay inspired? How do you keep your “motor running”?

Part of the inspiration for this post is coming from the book, The Artist’s Way.

Bitten by a Stork

Zalyn was born with a little Stork Bite. When she was born it was on her upper lip, a little on each of her eyelids and up across her forehead. (She also has one on the back of her neck.) With stork bites, they fade over time. The parts on her upper lip and eyes have faded almost completely. But the little dash across her sweet little forehead remains just a tad. And I absolutely love it. It’s her signature. Everything about her is unique and special in it’s own way. The stork bite is no exception.

Now, if only everyone felt the same. It kills me when people make comments about it. I know, I know, I shouldn’t blog about negativity but I just have to get it off my chest. When people ask, “What’s on her face?”, “Is that a birthmark? Will it fade?”, “Aww, poor thing.” Really? She’s almost 10 months old and already there’s a wee bit of bullying going on?

Which brings me to my point. I’m terrified of bullying. I read these horrific stories about it and it just breaks my heart. I’m so scared that my precious little daughter will come home from school one day crying about how someone said something nasty about her. I know as parents we develop fears that just won’t go away. And I know that some of them are completely irrational. But, how can I not be scared of people being mean? It’s a mad mad world out there. How do we protect our children from the madness? Or better yet, how do we teach them to be ok with it?

I know that we have absolutely ZERO control of other people’s actions, their words and their opinions. The world would be a pretty dull place if so. So, it’s efident that there is going to be things done and said that we can’t agree on or like. So, that being said, I can’t really do anything about it. I just have to accept that people will say what they feel. I suppose it is how I feel about it and react to it that I can control. Just someone, help me with that part????

Moving on

Sometimes in life, we just need a little change. Sometimes we need to take a look at our surroundings and just reevaluate them, see if they are good for us. Since becoming a mother, every little thing I do, has a completely different meaning. Every thing I do, I do it for my daughter. So the most recent huge decision I made was not only for the benefit of my career but also for her.

I have made the decision to leave my current place of employment and move on. A former co worker of mine had opened up a salon with her husband just over a year ago. I loved her haircuts so much, that I continued to go to her. I looked forward to my appointments with her. We really connected and it was just great to catch up with her. Working in a salon, you don’t get the pleasure of getting your hair cut with the salon experience. But remaining loyal to her haircuts, I was able to get that experience. And I loved it. So, back in October while getting my haircut, she brought up the idea of hiring another stylist and said how much she would love for it to be me. We got to talking and we set up a time to talk about it proactively. After this said meeting, it was like a huge door was opened. They offered me things that I didn’t even realize that I needed. But hearing them offer it to me, I realized that it was something I just needed. For me. For my family.

I put my notice in the last week of December. It was a very emotional moment for me. I’ve been at the same salon for 4 years now. I grew into the stylist I am today. I became part of a family. In the time I was there, I got married, had an emotional miscarriage, picked up the pieces, grew closer and closer to my little salon family, got pregnant, had a baby.  I developed unique bonds with each and every one of my co workers. And in the blink of an eye, it was all over. Well, let’s not say over, let’s just say, rearranged.

Yesterday was my last day. I cleaned out my station, said my goodbyes and tried to look forward. I’ve learned a lot of empowering things from my time there. Most importantly, I learned not to be afraid of confrontation. That communication is key. And that no matter what anyone tells me or how anyone treats me, I must do what is best for my well being. All in all, we are all selfish creatures and sadly it is just how the world works. It is just how we approach our selfishness that makes us not quite selfish, persay. Just confident. And sure. I know a thing or two about change. In my twenties, I craved it. I felt like I needed change constantly (another blog post entirely.) But in the past few years, change somewhat frightened me. So making this decision with my head held high, no regrets, confidence in stride, felt pretty darn good.

New Beginnings

No pictures for this post. Just words.

I’m not one to quickly come up with new years resolutions. I always thought that they were a horrible reflection on how we viewed our lives and ourselves. I never thought it necessary to look to a new year for an excuse to have something to change or do differently. I somewhat still feel the same. But I do think that it’s good to encourage yourself to change, to take steps in the right direction towards bettering your life.

So, here I sit, with my beautiful daughter asleep on me in the Ergo Carrier. (Having some major attachment anxiety, that’s a whole other post entirely) Wondering if there is something(s) I’d like to do differently. And I have a just a few things.

Be more up to date on new music. Starting today, go buy a new record. Get back to your old music obsessed self. Become that girl that everyone turned to for “who sings this” questions.

Be assertive. Not just for you but for your daughter. She’ll thank you one day.

Spend more time with your friends.

Blog more.

Invest more time and energy into your crafts.

There’s a lot of new and exciting things on the horizon in my life. I’m excited for this new year. To watch as my daughter turns a year old, spend as much time as possible with my brother Mike and his family before their move, have plenty of family visits, our family vacation to the Gulf Shores, and a few other things up my sleeve.